Two days ago, my brother was married to his personal choice, which some of us kinda shocked because we have no idea.. he was in relationship. hehe, apart from that, the wedding was ok lah, despite the process of getting there was hell. anyway, alhamdulillah, it was good. no crying mrying, except from the other side, alahai..
My brother and I used to really closed, we share almost everything, technically we are about the same size, shared similar hobbies, in fact some of nasty things that ive learnt was from him. nevertheless, like any other blood relationship.. there were downside of everything.
our relationship started to wreck when he moved around a lot, since after SPM, he went to few different states, he didnt do well for SPM, and thus, not so many options available for him. he started diploma pun, when he was 23?
we fought a lot since he came back to the holy land of subang, we were kinda.. err, not really closed. he changed a lot, no doubt. and, the nature of his work kinda makes him stress. in the sense, with little time to rest, and travel all around makes him, kinda ass hole when he came back. we stop talking few years ago, and it was so awkward just to talk to him, just like how we used to. Despite all the awkwardness, I still talk to him sometimes, whenever I can, because after all, he is my brother, my only brother.
I was cleaning some his stuffs, few weeks ago. was kinda happy at first and suddenly.. a tinge of sadness hit me, it was kinda awkward because, a few days ago, I was kinda excited to remove his stuffs.. and suddenly, tersedih pulak.
we've been sharing room, for all I remember. In fact, when I was in high school nobody would dare to bully me knowing the size of my brother, with his connection all around subang jaya, kinda make people afraid of me (him). perhaps his shadow was following me, even he was not around. I learnt to see the world because of him, experience things that supposed to be experienced when I was underage (not gonna mention here), in fact.. when I was depress with m life, he was there.. most of the time, listening to my angst. The years when he will stand up for many for many reasons, even for the littlest things.
I kinda miss that moment, perhaps, that was the best moment in my life. the late night talk, the late supper with him, and some of other stuffs, that Im not sure whether he still remember. Before I slept last night, I was kinda imagine he was sleeping beside me.. we would talk about everything, and discuss about our impending future, life challenges, girls, and everything that would probably matter when i was 15 years old.
I was kinda hope I can rewind some of the times, and freeze it. put it in a one of my bookshelf, and whenever I miss him, I would open from page to page, rewind and fast forward some of good and bad memories, or maybe hit the slow motion, and listening to everything that he says.
anyway.. sadly time is linear, I cant pause, rewind, fast forward, slow mo. and etcs. whatever God have plan for you, Im sure it is the best.
All the best abang, semoga hidup akan dipenuhi dengan kemanisan perkahwinan.
da jangan tanya bila aku nak kahwin.
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