No Closure

Dear Rendra,

Three years of neglecting this blog, finally I find a time to write back. Sorta a cheap therapy for me, instead of weighing on my shoulders, I needed a space to release it.

2018 was hell. Really. It was one of the year I wish I would never have to remember. I was mug at Ipoh when I was in Ipoh, braved enough to go to psychiatrist, unfortunately almost died because of I overdose from the anti-depressant pills, brave enough to quit from the job that my boss was really abusive, car crash twice, one in the April and another one in October. 6 months unemployed that almost drive me nuts when bank called.

When the 2018 ended, I thought I was cool.

2019 was a different story. I decided to take control over my life. I get a new job, not that glamorous, but enough for me to settle all my credit card debts. The year was smooth I supposed, no heartbreak, nothing significant happened in 2019.

I had a promise to myself, when he left me, or I left him, or whoever decided to leave who, I don't think I am capable of loving anyone else. A perfect candidate. More like a dad that I never had, the kind of listen to me, understand me, I dont even have to dumbing down myself. It wasnt really a perfect relationship, really. A forbidden love, the kind of love that you cant share with anyone. The kind of love that sometimes make me doubt, does he really love me?

Because whenever I send love emoticon, he will reply with Trees, Bananas, sometimes monkey. Hardly say "I love you too". Asian and baby boomer genz, what do you expect. But when he drove all the way to Ipoh to pick me up after I was mug, that somehow showed, how much he care about me.

Why we ended it, well..

We started on a "unsure" patch, a divorcee, a man with pride. A man whose confuses whether love and lust are actually, two different things. A man who losses his ego to control over someone's life. and then, he found me. The ones whose desperate for adult attention.

Sounds like a fiction, but he decided to remarry his wife. or His wife decided to remarry him.

By the time we decided to end things, whatever we call it. We went to Yellow Brick Road, had a fancy brunch, and on the way to airport to send him, we were holding hands like how we used to. We hugged, and that was the longest hug, I supposed. I didnt care anymore, I think that was the first and the last time he saw me crying.

We bid farewell, we promise to email each other. Lol (how boomer can he be?)

Occasionally I would check his whatsapps picture, I cant stalk him on social media, because he has none. Maybe facebook, that was last updated on 2014? As much as I hate him, we had a closure. We talked about it, no revenge. No regrets (well, there's a few) and the feeling eventually subsided. Albeit I miss a warm body to hug me and some 18sx things.

But at least there a was a good bye.

hampeh

aku ingat lepas aku beli computer sebesar alam itu, rajinlah sikit aku update blog. sekali hampeh, aku macam malasnya nak fikir nak tulis apa. nak delete blog ni sayang, nak update malas. hmm, faktor usia ke?


just to sum up what happened to me dari october tahun lepas sampai august bulan ni.


October tahun lepas masa aku tengah existential crisis nak menyiapkan thesis aku, SV aku jatuh sakit. paling perit sekali bila aku da start kerja, aku tinggalkan terus thesis aku, mula-mula aku give up, lantaklah apa nak jadi. 6 December, aku nampak kawan aku upload kat status fb dia

Miss _______ already passed away. Aku text kawan dia, dia confirmkan memang Miss ____ da takde.

Aku tengah nak prepare lunch break masa tu. deras airmata aku. Aku turun bawah jap, ingat nak cool, sekali tak boleh. banjir Kl Sentral tu, aku call lana, takde orang pun yang available nak jawab masa tu. belakang tempat hisap rokok, aku sandar, teresak-esak aku menangis. dada berombak, tekak rasa ada lump. rasa macam masa berhenti sekejap.

Aku naik balik atas, aku makan. ingat da ok, sekali tengah deras lagi air mata aku. tak boleh jadi ni, aku bagi manager aku, submit few things, aku balik. Masa tu kerja shift pagi, pukul 10 tak silap aku masa tu jugaklah aku tak bawak kereta. aku tengah decide sama ada nak shoot terus ke Penang (sebab SV aku meninggal kat situ) ataupun nak balik.

I can breath, I cant decide. but I need to see her at least for the last time.

dalam perjalanan LRT sepanjang 45 minute deras airmata aku. tak tahu nak cakap mana. tak pernah aku nangis kat public. rasanya sebab sesal, sebab tak sebab jumpa, tak sempat nak minta maaf, tak sempat nak cakap terima kasih.

sigh.

Aku call mak, minta tolong kemaskan apa yang patut. just in case kalau aku kena tidur kat penang. Aku tak sure nak call siapa, sebabnya  masa tu hari selasa, siapalah yang boleh apply cuti. aku call kak B dia cakap ok. kiteorang terus shoot pergi Penang.


Sepanjang perjalanan tu aku ok, air mata pun keluar sikit sikit. pukul 4 aku gerak, pukul 9.00 malam aku sampai. Sampai je kat kubur, lencun airmata aku. Aku rasa macam.... dalam 2 jam aku kat situ, aku cuba ingat balik suara dia, muka dia, nasihat-nasihat dia, our moments, time aku duduk depan dia dan bagitahu Im losing faith can you help to restore it?

God Exists Rendra, this is the 8 cosmological arguments that He Exists.


2 jam aku kat penang. Dalam perjalanan Kak B da tidur, hampeh. tapi aku faham dia penat kerja.


Sampai rumah dalam pukul 5.30 pagi. aku ingat nak rest sekejap. aku baring, aku teringat muka dia, suarat dia, nasihat-nasihat dia, classes yang aku ambil dari 1st year aku kenal plato, sampai final year aku kenal derrida. yang penting, aku kenal Tuhan melalui suara dia. yang ikhlas bantu pelajar yang sumbing ilmu untuk tahu KeEsaannya.

You see, aku kerja call center. hari-hari orang call aku marah aku, marah negara aku, marah kewujudan aku membazir oxygen, dan sebagainya. lepas shift, aku da ingat apa-apa pun. (meskipun, orang-orang tu lah yang, salah tengok tarikh, salah tengok maklumat, salah segala jenis benda tapi nak salahkan sesuatu/seseorang. sebab ego manusia, dah lah bangang tapi tanak mengaku)


kewujudan aku pun tak beri apa-apa makna. yelah, kita hidup dalam post truth world.

Masa tu, aku rasa separuh souls (jiwa) aku hancur. rasanya, siapa lagi nak dengar aku membebel betapa tidak adilnya dunia ini dan aku tak berminat dengan dunia?

Sebulan hidup aku tak stabil. kalau aku drive sorang-sorang mesti deras air mata aku, kalau dengar lagu sedih, lencun baju aku.

Paling teruk masa lana bagi Brownies campur something.


Satu malam aku nangis teresak-esak. aku da trauma nak makan Brownies.

Bulan Feb, aku pergi Kalām Transdiciplinary Conference. Semua kawan-kawan my late SV kat situ. Banyak scholars datang, mata pedih, rasa kena tenyeh. Thesis aku! mana Thesis aku. aku balik, aku bukak balik computer, this can be done.

masa tu juga aku dapat kerja baru, interview aku lepas. I can complete my thesis.

sampai masa kat pejabat yang menguruskan aku

nama aku da takde sebab da suspended, MIA sebab salah aku tak update.

Yang lagi haru, student file aku hilang.


Aku jumpa former lecturer aku. terjah dia, I dont give him option, I need new SV ,I just need to complete my thesis!

dia cakap ok. dia suruh siapkan mana-mana lompong.

Aku berhenti kerja on the spot.

Aku tulis balik mana yang perlu, walaupun hati aku da hancur, tangan aku da beku, otak aku da tepu semangat tu dah takde. entah macam mana, aku siapkan jugak.



and yes, aku siapkan and ready for submission.

nak sambung, tapi aku nak tulis surat kat sorang CEO ni, nantilah sambung.

Meows,
Rendra.


Ma Andeh, if you're reading this, plssssssss invite me to read your blog.

eh.. im back?

yes, I just a bought a new shining desktop. lets see whether I can write something.. k bye

kemelut hidupku.

Finally Ive deactivated my fb! yeay for the millions time. and hopefully I write more on this space.

Fuhh.. dulu punyalah rajin boleh update sampai dua posts, now I barely can write one page. why lah liddis, I think because my life is no longer interesting. or maybe less adventurous, I think I already succumb to the boring life. the life I never imagined.

Anyway, tomorrow will mark my first day of working. seram a bit, I always hate the first day. I have to pretend to be nice and kind, and then after a awhile.. when my true colours appear, I'm not that horrible person lah, cumanya I have different personalities, to different people. cannot lah jadi sewel all the time.

my first working experience was many many years ago, when I was 16. jadi waiter je, it wasnt that nice. customers were shit, my manager was shit too, I worked for one month, and the blah. and my salary was 450? kot, tak berbaloi.

and then I jadi baristar, still.. it wasnt that good. and I second job, jadi admin assistant kat sxxnway. that was the best job, my boss was kind, and my colleagues were kind enough. nobody micromanaged moi, and the only reason I stayed for 3 months, because it was an easy job. despite they paid me rm1k (tu lah siapa suruh tak reti demand)

and I worked at one of the GLC in KL, well too bad I didnt google up anything prior working. people were shit, the ceo, the managers, the colleague, the work, and etcs.

coming back to the industry (this time is tourism meow) I hope my work is fun lah (hopefully)

ok bye

start kerja next week!

dah hampir dua tahun aku berhenti kerja and sambung cita-cita nak jadi scholar. tapi apakan daya, displin serta intellectualku tidaklah sehebat para scholars yang sanggup hidup dalam kesepian dan kemisikinan yang tegar. thus, MA will be the last stage of syok-sendiri intellectual life. I feel like selling all my philosophy books (mind you, some of the books cost more MYR100) tapi apakan daya, hati tisu tidak mampu mengungkap kata-kata perpisahan kepada bukuku.

and so to speak, Im not going to pursue Phd. the dream to write intellectual books and famous respected journal is shattered. 

takpelah, next life kan ada.

aku baru je receive email from the Library, nak bagitahu aku da overdue pulangkan buku. cilakak, email, takde email pape, tetiba kena pulangkan buku. bencilah uia ni

unwritten me.

Phew, it's been a while I write something on plain white box.

Anyho, Im going to start working again next month. 4th Oct, tuesday. Gonna report again to the capitalist world, and enslave myself for a new pair of shoes. yes, your hear (read) it right. I need new shoes, new underwear, and above all, not wanting to be poor again. I have been poor for the past two years, lets hope this endeavor will make me a bit richer. and happier.



thats it?

where did the time go?

Im trying to write something on this huge white box, and try to remind myself what I sign up for this blog years ago. but.. urm.. my writing skills are getting rusty, especially whenever I'm trying to write something here. Fb and Twitter has replaced this whole box, and now.. nobody blogs anymore. maybe, some blogger, but no.. most of my fav bloggers abundant blogspost. sedih lah