No Closure

Dear Rendra,

Three years of neglecting this blog, finally I find a time to write back. Sorta a cheap therapy for me, instead of weighing on my shoulders, I needed a space to release it.

2018 was hell. Really. It was one of the year I wish I would never have to remember. I was mug at Ipoh when I was in Ipoh, braved enough to go to psychiatrist, unfortunately almost died because of I overdose from the anti-depressant pills, brave enough to quit from the job that my boss was really abusive, car crash twice, one in the April and another one in October. 6 months unemployed that almost drive me nuts when bank called.

When the 2018 ended, I thought I was cool.

2019 was a different story. I decided to take control over my life. I get a new job, not that glamorous, but enough for me to settle all my credit card debts. The year was smooth I supposed, no heartbreak, nothing significant happened in 2019.

I had a promise to myself, when he left me, or I left him, or whoever decided to leave who, I don't think I am capable of loving anyone else. A perfect candidate. More like a dad that I never had, the kind of listen to me, understand me, I dont even have to dumbing down myself. It wasnt really a perfect relationship, really. A forbidden love, the kind of love that you cant share with anyone. The kind of love that sometimes make me doubt, does he really love me?

Because whenever I send love emoticon, he will reply with Trees, Bananas, sometimes monkey. Hardly say "I love you too". Asian and baby boomer genz, what do you expect. But when he drove all the way to Ipoh to pick me up after I was mug, that somehow showed, how much he care about me.

Why we ended it, well..

We started on a "unsure" patch, a divorcee, a man with pride. A man whose confuses whether love and lust are actually, two different things. A man who losses his ego to control over someone's life. and then, he found me. The ones whose desperate for adult attention.

Sounds like a fiction, but he decided to remarry his wife. or His wife decided to remarry him.

By the time we decided to end things, whatever we call it. We went to Yellow Brick Road, had a fancy brunch, and on the way to airport to send him, we were holding hands like how we used to. We hugged, and that was the longest hug, I supposed. I didnt care anymore, I think that was the first and the last time he saw me crying.

We bid farewell, we promise to email each other. Lol (how boomer can he be?)

Occasionally I would check his whatsapps picture, I cant stalk him on social media, because he has none. Maybe facebook, that was last updated on 2014? As much as I hate him, we had a closure. We talked about it, no revenge. No regrets (well, there's a few) and the feeling eventually subsided. Albeit I miss a warm body to hug me and some 18sx things.

But at least there a was a good bye.