mawar

dear mawar

I remember you posed me a question that probably I wouldnt get A to answer it, give me few years from now, perhaps I can give to gist of the answer rather the whole answer that would be hard for to digest. you see here darling, we live in different phase and living in different phase makes you wonder what exactly I was talking. and I now, my words might be beyond your mind comprehend, but Im hoping someday you will understand everything that I've told you.

btw, mawar is my younger sister.

mawar

when you were born, I was already 9. Life was fun at that time, the carefree life that I would trade anything (including my Ipad) just to be in that phase again. You see, i was the youngest among all in fact, the existence of me was the epitome of their (Jamal & Salmah)'s happiness. I was their pride, I was the best among the best. I dun even have to utter any words to speak for my dreams, because the dreams will comes true just by a simple gazing to whatever material needs that i want. (I get playstation X by simply playing in my friend's house). Life was beyond amazing, though we live in the small apartment. The affection was surreal, we were talking on daily basis. My life was monitored by them. and our relationship, was just like everyone else.

but Mawar

Life isnt an easy task. Life is cycle and I believed that. skip for few years, life was not so amazing. Jamal took a stand and decided to do something that every men would desires. which is.. you go figure the consensus that was given by our religion, yet taken with pleasure rather than obligation. Life was upside down at that time. Salmah was working, and Jamal was at home most of the time. My life was in the state of rouge, I wasnt sure what to do with life. I neglect everything that Im supposed to. you were still young, you were barely talking. Of course, what matter for you was the soft food that you could possible nibble. While me, already stranded in the place that everyone fears.

I was hopeless and started to venture my life as someone that im not supposed to.

Mawar

I havent spoke to Jamal for I have no idea how many years since the last we spoke. I was living in my own space I wasnt rebel, but I chose not to be included in the institution. I created my own space, recluse from any interaction. Just for you to know, I remember once berbuka puasa alone with no one to eat with. and since that, I rather eat alone and dun even bother to invite anyone to eat. 

mawar yang gemok,

Jamal and I have a very complicated, love-hate relationship. you see, Jamal is like any other typical orthodox malay father. the one that will never spoke and show affection to their kids. My life back then, was purely existentialism, the one that never feared to walk alone. and that affects my social interaction. I dun have so many friends, my words and thought are scattered. we have stop talking for so many years, you see, he didnt has my phone until i was 19, we never spoke, and he knew i was enrolling in the uni 2 days before I went for  orientation. what was really sad, he never called me, when I was there. Perhaps, it was my mistake  cuz, the only reason i callled him, when I need money.

thats why until now, I need to use as my intermediary. so just bare with it ya mok?

on a side note, since we are all growing up, this sunday, my wan's family (my sister's boyfriend) will come to my house for merisik. which means, I have maybe less than a year to bonding bonding with my sister. hmm..
who knew, the time moves so fast, sometimes I dun even remember my real age. heheheee